Half Minute Trubble in da Hood
by Bloodonthedancefloorfan420
Summary: A wayward FBI agent fights to protect his nation from the rising threat of gang violence. But when will he understand that the real threat is not gang violence, but social media sites like Facebook and ?
1. Dawn of the Gangrene

My name is Percival Wintersolsticius and then my leg got blown off by an anti tank mine. Unfortunately I set it there in the hopes of subduing some of the natives but the natives didn't have any tanks so I guess in retrospect it was kinda my fault. I could feel the gangrene getting closer so I crawled to another part of the road where upon arrival a truck swerved out of the way and killed 5 pedestrians. The truck was carrying radioactive waste to Yucca Mountain so it leaked into that district's water and gave the 500 residents cancer. Luckily it was the perfect distraction but I didn't capitalize on it and gangrene surrounded me.

Gangrene was a street gang known for wearing the color green. I was sent into the city by the FBI to get rid of them. Luckily they found out I was FBI and proceeded to chase me for 7 days until that fateful collision with the mine. I formulated a plan but then they shot twice in the stomach, three times in the leg, and once in the head. The plan was and then I passed out.

I woke up in a hospital ran by the Gangred. "We turned you into a cyborg cause your injuries were so bad, we filled you with lazers and explosive lazers and face melting lazers. You go kill the gangrene or we'll self destruct..."

Haha got them by the ropes!

"YOU!"

SHIT! Well, at least I can kill all the members of Gangrene in this state, I launch out of the bed and hit my head on the ceiling and pass out.

I woke up 11 months later in a hospital ran by the Gangred. "We turned you into a cyborg cause your injuries were so bad, we filled you with rockets and pod rockets and laser rockets. You go kill the gangrene or we'll destroy the FBI."

Damn, these red devils know what they're doing. I must kill them. But wait! They didn't say they could blow me up, so I fired an incendiary rocket, burning down the hospital and killing the hundreds of cancer patients inside. Me and the gangred survived though, at which point the leader said, "Okay, okay! Jesus you're insane! Here, take the detonator to the FBI building, now leave us alone!"

"Ha! Jokes on you!" I blow up the FBI building, which actually turned out to be the Capital Building, plunging the city into anarchy. They shoot me twice but because I'm a cyborg it doesn't eft **Safari has shut down unexpectedly.**

_"What? Wait, shit, did I save the story?" _

**Would you like to send a report?**

"_Well, I doubt those fuckers at Apple will even read it but I might as well just spam them with 'em. Okay, now to open safari. Aaaaaaaaaaand it's taking forever. Fuck this, I'll use chrome. I'm not signed into Fanficton?Fuck this I'll use internet explorer. Fuck this I'll use firefox. You know what? Fuck this I'm going to go be not funny on Xbox."_

_"Okay, has safari loaded yet? Finally, AND IT DIDN'T FUCKING SAVE! FUCK THIS IMMA PLAY LAST OF US!"_


	2. School of Rock, as in like meth

After my body rebooted I find myself in the high school nurses office. The authorities said that because I was half computer I would have to go through high school again to soak in all the new info. "Gagnregne, waht abbot themistletow?" Oh no! My mouth was saying things weirdly, guess I do have to go through high school again. That sucks, junior year was the worst year of my life. I got straight As, a hot ass girlfriend, was captain of both the Football and Debate teams and was loved by almost everyone in the school. However, Onerepublic created 3 new albums and Keanu Reeves had five new movies in the same year, so all anyone did was ignore them and invite me to parties and shit.

Whatever, this was a new leaf, and I can do my life over again, even though I'm over 43. I step into the room and I automatically get barely legal girls clinging to my arms. Fuck, it's happening again. I shoot an incendiary missile, burning down the school and killing the youth of the nation. The two girls didn't let go however, that's when I realized they were spies from Gangrene! They took off their faces, causing them to die of blood loss. That was a close one. Now, I must return to the streets and fight Gangrene!

I got a call from my wife. She asked when I was coming home. I told her not to worry, I was almost finished.

Then a gangrene sniper shot the phone, killing my wife. Eh. Then he shot me in the head, making me pass out.

I had a dream about gangrene roaming the streets, helping the kids who had no other role models to look up to. The cops wouldn't give them the time of day, most of their parents were drug addicts, and their teachers cared about nothing but the paycheck. The only one's the kids could look up to were the gangsters. No matter how many we killed, more would still form because thug life is truly all they have.

I realized that I must destroy the city in order to save it from itself.

I sprang up from my cot and hit my head on the low ceiling and died.


	3. The Devil Wears Product Placement

I woke up in a dark brightly lit room full of people in auspicious robes. I was confused, because I was sure I died, but I'm alive. Is this heaven? Hell? Then the blackiest robed man shouted at the top of his lungs, "We brought you back from the dead so that you could kill the gangrene, you're the only one that can stop them!"

"Why?"

"Because you are the chosen one." Oh ok, I guess that makes sense. "We spliced your DNA with that of a demons, so now in addition to being a cyborg you can use hexes and demonic hexes and dark arts hexes." Cool. "We've also gotten you a partner to kill all those bastards," A man in a slightly darker black robe walked out into the bright ass lights. He threw off the robe and I was shocked at who it was, "Ridiculous Cage! I thought they killed you back in the war!"

"Nah, see here's what happened."

**#Flashback**

Back in the day Ridiculous Cage and I were in the Bosnian revolution of 1852. Our house was surrounded by flowers and I needed to put in new sod, so Ridiculous Cage went out and ripped them out. Unlickinly it was connected to a pop up advertisement on my Android OSX at the back of Cage's head while I was playing Sonic Dash which caused me to throw my Android OSX at the back of Cage's head out of anger. He turned around and while he was dazed he got ran over by a gang of 20 year old white kids on their bikes. He died almost instantly, or so I thought. I didn't actually check his pulse or see if he was bleeding or breathing, so I wrapped him in tape and threw him in the back of the car while my car was getting toed for not being able to pay my mortgages. The IRS, an Irish gang present in Bosnia, was framed for the taping and to get rid of any evidence they burned the car and threw it into the water, creating a bacterial infection that was the cause of the Irish Potato Famine.

But, it turns out Ridiculous Cage had walked away before I taped in, which meant I totally knocked out a stranger and covered him in tape for literally no reason. This is why I fled Bosnia and joined the FBI 143 years later. It was so great to see him again!

**#Flashbackover**

"So, Ridiculous, what've you been up to?" Before he had the opportunity to answer I fired an incendiary hex at his face and ran away. No one ties me down but my wife. I jump out of the window right as the building explodes, causing numerous shards of rubble to hit the many vagrants that have been fleeing from gangrene's sphere of influence. Looks like I was alone, if only I had a little bit of help. That's when I remembered that I still had some contacts from college oh shit I'm still falling. Turns out we were on the 11th story of a motel, causing me to land completely fine because of my cyborg demon jumping abilities, my legs are too strong, too powerful to be defeated by a fall. Then the road gave in from my powerful legs and I fell into the sewers, causing me to land completely fine because of my cyborg demon jumping abilities, my legs are too strong, too powerful to be defeated by a fall. Then a big ass sewer gator attacked someone else, totally ignored me though. I had an idea! "Hey, gator!" I assert, "Work for me!" It came closer but not before I recreated sodom in its bottom post-mordem with my scrotum hangin' out.

I jumped back up onto the street, right in front of some members of gangrene! They shot at me but I dodged their bullets with my supersonic demon speed and fired pod rockets but they accidentally locked onto a news helicopter, blinding the world from the tragedies going on within the city. The helicopter fell out of the sky and landed on me, knocking me out.


	4. Buddy Cop Tragedy

I woke up in a subway station shantytown ran by the former SWAT teams. "That helicopter almost killed you, luckily we made you a certified SWAT officer so you can now use all that the former police arsenal has to offer." Okay, I knew that I needed to know more about my enemy before attacking them directly, I had to weaken them, I had to wear them down, or perhaps weaken them. I asked for a rundown of the gang, which one individual, Sgt. Saint Louis Robino clearly laid out for me. "They are being lead by the evilist of all men, Games Jemrano. But, there are also his five lieutenants. First, is Whorin' Dix, but she's too powerful for you right now. Next, in order from strongest to weakest, are Braid Jazzco, Kenny Coaltrain, Barry Bhaeuol, and Kyle Shmennedy. If you're looking for a good first target, Shmennedy is your best best. He runs a music pirating group within Gangrene named FreeCreeditReport dot com. Suit up and go take him down."

I nodded but I didn't do it. Thousands of albums were downloaded illegally from the site, causing a huge depression because of how much stock was being put into music these days. Then Saint Louis Robino tricked me into going to the building that they were hiding out in, so I grabbed an M4 and shot the windows, breaking all of the windows and computers without hitting anyone, so that Robino could arrest them and we could learn more about the rest of Gangrene. Due to my cyborg aiming it was flawless. Then I shot Robino, causing all of the rest of the Gangrene to pull out their guns and start firing on both of us. I saw Kyle running away and jump into the back of a pick up truck out of the corner of my eye. I fired at the gangsters but I couldn't hit any, if only there was some way to improve my aiming!

They were starting to surround us, I apologized to Sgt. Saint Louis Robino but he was gone. A bullet grazed my shoulder but I shook it off. My shoulder, that is! Yeah actually my entire arm fell off, due to faulty wiring I suppose. I only had one arm left, and I had to kill at least twelve gangrene members armed with pistols, and then I had to go catch Kyle Shmennedy. So I ran out of cover and used my supersonic demon speed to avoid the bullets, running after the pickup truck. Not before leaving behind a lazer rocket hex on the ground, all of the Gangrene members ducked, so the lazers went over their heads and went into the gas station, blowing up the last one in town and causing oil prices worldwide to skyrocket. The rockets killed all of them though, so you know, fuck da police. Oh shit, Robino! I had to go save him, but I didn't know where he was. I jumped into the back of the pickup truck and grabbed Kyle. "Where's Sgt. Saint Louis Robino? What did you do with him?!:D?!"

"Right HERHHER!:C?!" What was that, from the front seat? The driver turned his head and smiled, it was Sgt. Saint Louis Robino! I screamed, angry at such a betrayal, and shot my M4 but missed causing it to go through the windshield causing the glass to break causing our tires to pop causing us to flip over causing the car to crash into a nearby liquor store.

I crawled out of the wreckage, picked up my M4 and shot at Kyle who was running away, but he escaped behind a wall of beer. Then I turned back to Saint Louis, who was still in the drivers seat. I pointed my M4 at him, but then I hear a voice, "I wouldn't do that if I were YOUUUU121212121212121" I turn around and Barry Bhauoel was standing there, meat cleaver in hand with an evil scorn on his face. Then Kyle appeared behind me. I would have to fight both at the same time.


	5. The Ballad of Rediculous Cage

Barry Bhauoel and Kyle Shmennedy were both armed, I obviously mistook them for foolier fucks. I took my aim away from Sgt. Saint Louis Robino and aimed down at Barry. I shot at him, but he torrented a riot shield out of thin air and blocked all of my shots. Kyle shot at me with his pistol, hitting me in the front of my back. The shot caused my spine to become double jointed, allowing me to bend back low enough to shoot Kyle with my super eye lasers while still facing Barry. The lazer blew up his gun and his arm, causing him to run away yet again, the pussy. I flopped back up to face Barry, who had by now torrented Power by Kanye West armor and a megaminigun. "You can't kill Kyle!" He shouted, "If you do, I will have to actually pay money for stuff. That's like totally lame!" He fired the MMG, ripping my body apart like when I got fucked in the ass by some fucker I didn't know like seriously he just pooped out of nowhere and stuck his dick in me ass like what the fuck. I tried to have him arrested but I killed him. Anyway fuck I'm dying, I use my mad cyborg hops to jump through the ceiling and land on the roof of the liquor store. Kyle is right in front of me and I grab him by the shirt. He shoots me in the head. Damn it, that's my weak spot! I draw a circle on his chest with my blood, which it turns out does absolutely nothing and he shoots me in the head again. This time it really hurt! Time to kill the fucker, I shove my arm through his abdomen, but he just smiles, "You've activated my trap card!" and then Barry bodyslams me from a 4000 feet jump off of a C-130 that he downloaded illegally.

"Shameful Display!" Barry shouted, "I thought you to be a stronger opponent, Mr. Wintersolsticus. But it seems that this little bout's theme is being beaten by this team that makes you scream out in agony."

"Yeah," Kyle says, dying of wicked mad blood loss, "I may have lost my arm but Barry's causin' harm like a farm being shut down by insufficient funds too bad you didn't bring more guns you may as well of had none because of our piracy we have tons all shootin' at your spine making you the same consistency as brine or perhaps maybe wine the point is that I ain't even lyin' when I say that your ass is mine."

"Don't think...," I shoot blood from my crushed esophagus, "even for a minute that you are gonna win it we still got Louis who can find your neck and slit it and he will cause he aint a dimwit who would side with you losers who are just below users in the scum of the earth but just above wife abusers and when you get arrested the accusers won't even have trouble putting your futures in a cell."

Barry laughed, causing my spine to break, "Fat chance if you even took a glance downstairs you would see how dead he be. There's no hope if you get out how will you cope with us beating you you might as well get a rope and kill yourself rather than mope that is if the FBI doesn't put their scopes on you for failing but why would they bother you're nothing more than cannon fodder not liked by his father because if you were liked by your father you would have taken a job that was a little bit hotter maybe a pirate or a marauder but no that's no good if she could see you I'd hate to see how disappointed your mother would."

NO ONE BACKTALKS MY MOTHER oh god my back. Well, looks like this is the end, getting killed by Barry Bhaeooieol and to a lesser extent Kyle Shmennedy. "ANY LAST WERDZ PERCYVIL?!:(!?"

"DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!" A cry come out where it come from?

Then Barry gets tackled and knocked off me and I see my savior...oh my god...how can this be?

"Ridiculous Cage! You came back for me!" He turned his head around and shot me

a scornful look. "yes. i will save you buy killy ng Barry."

"Hisisis!" Barry slithered like a snake but with his mouth, "Bro, I dunno who you are, but even the Cyborg Demon Spy couldn't defeat me. What makes you think y'all are powerful enough to even touch me?"

"Because I have a secret..." He rips off his shirt, revealing his flabby hairy chest.

"EUGH!" Barry cried out, "You truly are one of great power! This might actually be interesting!"

_Will Ridiculous Cage defeat Barry Bheoeoeoul? Will Percival survive the vicious ass whoopin' handed to him? Where did Sgt. Saint Louis Robino and Kyle Shmennedy go? Find out next chapter, in halft iminute truble in thda hood!_

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	6. Beautiful Barry

kill them all with you r gun

oj koay if u say so shat shat onomotopieda

splurt splurt

u killed him now i will frame u

noooo

Augh! Whoa, sorry, just had a flashback to my first day in the FBI. Blood loss makes you remember things better. Too bad it also kills you. I must have zoned out for like 3 minutes, luckily I hadn't missed any of the upcoming fight, Cage and Barry were still badmouthing each other.

"I like you're tie, where'd you get it?" Cage lashes out.

"It came with a suit at Joseph A. Banks." Barry snapped back.

"Why didn't you just torrent it?" Cage said, about to lose his temper, "I thought that was your thing."

"That was before I learned about the beauty of not paying for shit." Barry said arrogantly.

Cage's face turned red, "TAKE IT BACK!" He whipped a pistol out of his belt and whipped Barry with it.

Barry, taken aback by the sucker punch, fell off the roof and died. "TOO LATE I LOST THE RECEIT!" He jumped back onto the roof, not actually dead like I though, sorry guys. He then torrented a weeaboo ass katana and ran towards Cage.

The fact that Barry wasn't wearing a tie made this even more scathing.

Ridiculous shot at Barry, but he still had his Kanye armor on, which did absolutely nothing causing Barry to go into shock. So much shock infact, that a lightning bolt came from the heavens and struck him, even though there wasn't a cloud in the sky. He surged with electric energy and zapped off his Kanye armor, creating a shockwave that affected the power grid of the city, causing massive looting that ended with eight people shot.

Barry, flowing with electric lightning, shouted in triumph, "I have become my ultimate form, Beautiful Barry! You're gunshots cannot hurt me anymore, I am unstoppable!" He then gets electrocuted because his body can't handle the amount of energy he tried to shoot at us, causing his hand to blow off and him to once again become Barry Bhaeioul.

"Blast it!" Barry shouted.

"Gladly!" Cage shouted, shooting Barry's disembodied hand.

"Ha! I knew you would do that! Now You're out of bullets while I still have a MMG with at least 100 rounds!"

Cage reloaded and shot Barry three times in the chest. "Who's out of bullets, now, Barry?"

"I am!"

I turn around and see Kyle holding a shotgun aimed at Cage's wicked sick chest. "Now put down your gun or you'll kill me!"

Damn! He had us at checkmate! Oh wait my wounds healed due to my super demon healing thing that I always had. I stand up, but am powerless to stop the powerful Kyle. Kyle grins an actually pretty heartwarming grin, making me forget about all of my troubles and take out a blunt to smoke. Shit, I don't have a lighter! Oh well, I'll just light it with my incendiary lazer. I fire it straight, but miss and hit Kyle, causing him to catch on fire and fall into the store. I let a single tear fall down my face, as I realize that he made me break my promise to never kill. "Wait shit, we're on top of a liquor store." the revelation comes to me as the entire building explodes, sending me and Ridic thousands of meters into the air.


	7. Airplanescape: Torment

I was shooting up into the air when I spotted an air plane, "CAGE!" I shouted. No one answered, "CAGE?" I shouted. No one answered, "CAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!" I then fell into a cage hanging off of the airplane. I tried to cut through the bars but they were made of iron. My only weakness! The power was draining from my robotic arms incredibly fast, so I turned bluetooth off and the brightness down and began to think of possible solutions. Began, but never finished. I passed out from lack of oil or something.

I woke up in a cage on an airplane, how did I get he-oh wait no never mind I remember. I've been captured, like a fish put into a barrel, but by whom? "Me!" Said a leather chair. The devilish chair span around to reveal the evil mastermind himself: Games Jemrano! "You've been a thorn in my side 3long Agent Percival! You must DIE!" He then shouted a monologue that lasted for several minutes, 'twas pretty terrifying. The floor dropped from under me and I heard Jemrano's evil laugher as I fell from the airplane. Okay, I thought, I survived a fall from three stories, 3,000 meters shouldn't be a problem. But then I heard the jet engines, I spin my body around to see the plane dive bombing at me! It was going to slam into me and crash itself into the ground to kill me!

I pull out an SMG that I could have used to kill Games when he was facing me and ended the entire conflict and fired it at the plane, but it was made of some kind of bullet deflecting plane metal because my bullets weren't breaking through. It wasn't cause I was missing, that's for sure. My clip emptied, and I didn't bring anymore, plus it would be really hard to reload while freefalling, so I through the gun at the airplane. The jet engine recieved the SMG causing it to explode and the plane to have to retreat.

I pulled out my phone so that I could call my boss, a mister Wayne "The Shock" Holstein. He was quite the fellow. A retired MLG flappy birds player, The Shock moved onto the FBI when he was 60, rising through the ranks to run the entire Bureau in one year. He was known for having control over electricity for a reason that has never been explained. He wasn't in my contacts as I bought a new phone since the sniper shot my old one, so I had to think real hard to remember his number. Oh yeah! "666-666-6660!" Since he was head of the FBI he could give himself any number in the country and he decided to be a wise guy. Mr. Obama was not pleased. I put in the zero and put the phone to my ear. "Hello? The Shock? You there?"

A mumble on the other side. "Hmm, what, Percival? Is that you?"

"No." I love fucking with him.

"He's the only one who knows this number. If you're not him, then you must be eliminated. I'm sending SEAL TEAM N9NE to get a lock on your location and wipe you off the face of the earth."

Oh man does he love pranking folk, I think as I am shot by a .50 cal in the head.


	8. My Songs Know What You DIEd In The Dark

I woke up in a conference room inside a submarine strapped to a leather seat. That's me that's strapped to the leather chair a submarine strapped to a leather chair would just be silly. *remember this this is important*

"Oh shit he's awake!" And then the North Korean spies ran off with the launch codes. My boss, The Shock, walked into the room with his two best agents ('sides me), Agent Gun and Agent Bullet. I'm not making a clever metaphor that an agent's best assets in any given time are his weapon and ammunition mind you, those are acrually their names. Just kidding it is a metaphor. The two guys at his side were recently promoted interns. I totally forgot their names and I kind of feel bad. One of then has incredible natural ability and the other was played by Ryan Gosling b/c the producer we needed more male sex appeal. I don't know which is which, as the only time I saw3D Drive was when I was high during kill the whites night during the New England Genocide that I was sent to cover up. Interesting, as I don't think there was a single female character in the story so far besides my late wife. Late on her period that is! Haha, no just kidding she was killed and I'm really broken up about it.

The two interns undid the straps and helped me off the table. The Shock reached out to shake my hand, "We had to waste tax dollars to stitch your head together after we blew it in half because of your crank call."

I heckled, "Well, thanks! Where's the sub at? I need to get back to the city to finish me job!"

"We're in the city harbor," said one of the interns, I shot him a glare, then the North Korean spies shot him.

"Kickass, pull us up to the surface, Shock. I've still got a few lieutenants to kill before Gangrene is weak enough for me to kill Jemrano."

The Shock looked down at the floor, a single tear falling from his eye. "I'm afraid you aren't on the Gangrene case...anymore."

"What!?" I say in my normal voice, even though I'm fucking enraged, "But, why!?"

The Shock puts his hand on my shoulder and short curcuits my shoulder rockets. Good move, I was about to fire them out of sheer anger, "Due to the rapid increase in the power and influence of Gangrene, they've taken over the city and declared it it's own sovereign nation: Gemranovascotia. They've already been recognized by North Korea and the president, wanting to outdue NK, recognized it twice. As a result, it's no longer under the juresdiction of the FBI. The case is now being handed to..."

"Me!" then the remaining intern takes off his sunglasses, revealing himself to be my alltime archrival, "Tywat Wellboth of the CIA!" This was the first time we actually met, but we've fought many Facebook wars about who loved Reese Witherspoon more. He won twice on account that I thought Reese Witherspoon wasn't an actress but that football player from that one episode of Drake and Josh. I was ancious to put him in his place!

"I already infiltrated you losers, getting into Gangrene will be no problem!" He was as cocky as his big cock I mean attitude, "Guess you're as shitty of a spy as you are a Battlefield 4 now availiable through Origin only $59.99 there's a soldier in all of us pre order now for exclusive China Rising DLC map pack only $12.99 EA Sports it's in the game player, Wintersolsticus!"

I guess there was nothing to do but beg, "Tywat, please! I know I've made some mistakes, and I know I only joined the FBI because I was wanted in 17 countries for tax evasion and joining the FBI was the easiest way of wiping my identity from the record, but it's more than that, now! I've lost so much, my wife, my humanity, half of my mortal body, but through it I've gained a unique set of skills. These skills are the only thing in the world powerful enough to defeat Games Jemrano. So I emplore you, Tywat, just walk away from this one. Let me fix my own mistakes and undo the hell I've created."

"No, you've already proven that you are incapable of defeating Gemrano even with you're cyborg demon cop powers."

thats it fuck it im done that does it thats the last straw its over im killing this bitch ass wannabee. I fired an incindiary hex from my shoulder but due to The Shock short curcuiting my shoulder it fired a white beam of light that engulfed Tywat and then he dissappeared in a white explosion. The Shock glared at me with a kind of thats it fuck it im done that does it thats the last straw its over im killing this bitch ass wannabee look. Before I can react he dies of syphillis And the North Korean spies blow up the sub, causing me to be launched into a factory on the boardwalk. Turns out we were on a nuclear sub so the harbor became irradiated, causing thousands of small businesses that miraculously have been lasting through the 2nd Great Depression to have to shut down #goodriddence

While Tywat was a fag and a loser and a scrub and a degenerate and a cum and a butterface, he did have a point. I couldn't defeat Games Jemrano on my own, I needed help. But from whom? I had no idea where Cage was, The Shock was dead, Robino is a dead traitor, Tywat had ascended to archangel status, wait no, shit! I mean he's dead, that last part was just a typo. After giving away the plot twist that doesn't happen, my phone begins to ring. Like a bomb! I throw it into the air and it explodes. Nah, jk I answer it. "Hello?"

"Die." Games says on the other side, and then the phone explodes.


End file.
